PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
