she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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