the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I will pee on everything he values.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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