Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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