Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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