first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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