your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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