Got a toothbrush?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
