I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
