A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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