My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I want is dick and wine.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
