The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
