He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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