Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
