I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
