Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
