so that wasnt chicken after all
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
