I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
