I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
