Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
