did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
