My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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