my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
