It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
