It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
