How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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