some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
