Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
