Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
