New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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