remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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