everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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