mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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