guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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