she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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