Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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