I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
