Kiss
Puke
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
