She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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