I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
this hospital has no fireball
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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