I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
