I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
