I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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