He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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