I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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