Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
