I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
