my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
