You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
