ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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