i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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