i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
