She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
