if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
