i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
