I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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